Being at my parents’ home always makes these feelings stronger… Probably because I lived here when they were new feelings.

I am social media friends with a lot of people I used to call best friends. Two of which the pain of losing still stings pretty badly. One I’d been friends with for most of elementary school, then a classmate made up a lie (something to do with me calling to get directions to a party I wasn’t invited to, when I can STILL get to that party’s location without thinking about it), and suddenly it was gone. It didn’t help any that she moved so I never got a chance to try again. The second one had been friends with 1 and I for a long time too, and she stayed friends with 1 after the lie about me, then actually ended up moving to the same junior high and high school as 1. My parents weren’t very comfortable with me going to 2’s house (I wasn’t super comfortable around her family), so that just ended up dissolving.

1 & 2 were the last friends like that I ever had. I have one super close girlfriend I could call whenever I wanted to, but I don’t want to take up too much of her time. But 1&2 were the girls I was glued to, did everything with, couldn’t have imagined my life without… And they were suddenly gone. That abandonment probably had kept me from getting as close to people, because I know how fast it can all end. I never did anything, and it crushes me to this day. This happened May 2002 (the party, anyway) and it still hurts like it was only a year ago. I wish I could let it go.

Since then, 1&2 address still super close, and regularly travel out of state to visit each other. 1 had also developed insanely close friendships with girls she met in junior high. Yes, in jealous. Yes, I hate being jealous. No, I have never been successful at reducing these feelings.

I used to have so much fun with these girls, and it kills me knowing I literally did nothing to make them leave. I wish it didn’t. There are other elementary school besties I’ve lost in similar manners, and they all sting too.

I wish I could stop being haunted by this. I wish it wouldn’t hurt seeing them all so happy. I wish I could let myself make similar friendships. I wish… I wish I knew why almost all of my friends have left me so suddenly and painfully. I wish this didn’t matter.