The death of my grandmother has left a massive void in my life. There were many milestones I never imagined my grandmother missing. Some, I naturally realized she wouldn’t be around for, but others I just assumed she’d be there for.

Right now, I find myself struggling the most with my upcoming graduation. I always assumed Grama would be able to attend my college graduation, and I was already struggling with the fact that she wouldn’t be able to physically be in Colorado for it… but I figured I’d be able to call her that day and be all excited and be like “Oh my gosh I did it!” and then show her pictures and video and my diploma. At least I’d gotten a chance to tell her I’d officially applied and been accepted to graduate and the date, but that is it. She hadn’t even gotten to see a picture of the cap and gown.

If I’d graduated on time, four years after my high school graduation (and four years after I’d started college for the first time), she would have been there and she would have been in good health. She got to see my sister graduate from college, which I’m actually very excited about and very grateful for! (I am very proud of my sister.) I’m just a little jealous and sad that I didn’t also get that moment because I took so much longer than I really should have.

She did know I was graduating, and she knew when. I just won’t get a celebratory (homemade) milkshake, or a cute card, or an excited phone call… and it’s rather devastating to me.

I am, however, extremely grateful that she was able to attend my wedding and was in very good health when she did so. I just really wish it could have been both.

I imagine that if she is out there somewhere, she will be watching my graduation. According to my own personal beliefs, she has the ability to do so… but according to her personal beliefs, possibly not. Years ago, she mentioned that she no longer felt the need to believe in an after life… so I’m not really sure what her spirit would be doing right now. However, she’s also joked about haunting us because it would be entertaining (it was a few times when we were kids). The one thing she always mentioned, however, was that she REALLY wanted to be reincarnated as a pelican because she LOVES eating and just wanted to cram as much food as possible into her mouth. All I can think about now is that somewhere a baby pelican has hatched and is extremely excited by the size of its mouth. Unless a pelican appears at my graduation (which wouldn’t be as weird as it sounds, because there are a few at the larger reservoirs in the area), I think she’s probably busy learning how much food she can cram into her beak 😉