I was thinking of making some generic chronic illness warrior designs, for those of you without dysautonomia or fibromyalgia. Since it just snowed another foot here (yup, I just more than a foot of snow this weekend), I decided to start out with the standard “official uniform” design on the sweatshirt! I’ve just been doing women’s clothing so far, since most of my readers are women and the majority of chronic illnesses seem to primarily impact women (sadly). Let me know if you there is an interest in male designs though and I’ll get right on it! Here are the basic sweatshirts and hoodie designs I got together you other chronic warriors 🙂
I’ve also been growing the art portion of my Zazzle shop significantly: I’ve added throw pillows, coaster, art pieces, postage stamps, and many other items. Please check out my entire shop and let me know what you think!
My body reacts poorly to stress. The emotional stress of the last two weeks and the physical stress of all of the traveling seems to have knocked me out. I have some sort of infection thing going on somewhere… Sinus or something. I have no idea what is going on, but I feel horrid. I also had to come off of my meds for my second round of allergy testing, so that definitely isn’t helping. Hopefully this crud will be short lived and some rest as I get back to my routine will let it clear up.
Grama’s service was today. It was a gorgeous day, and it was a pretty service. It was rough though. Very, very rough. I still don’t want to say goodbye, but I don’t have a choice. Goodbye, Grama.
The death of my grandmother has left a massive void in my life. There were many milestones I never imagined my grandmother missing. Some, I naturally realized she wouldn’t be around for, but others I just assumed she’d be there for.
Right now, I find myself struggling the most with my upcoming graduation. I always assumed Grama would be able to attend my college graduation, and I was already struggling with the fact that she wouldn’t be able to physically be in Colorado for it… but I figured I’d be able to call her that day and be all excited and be like “Oh my gosh I did it!” and then show her pictures and video and my diploma. At least I’d gotten a chance to tell her I’d officially applied and been accepted to graduate and the date, but that is it. She hadn’t even gotten to see a picture of the cap and gown.
Yes, it’s from PBS Kids. I did have an odd time accepting that I was getting information from a site designed for kids, which I told Dan. However, Dan read through parts of the site, and said that it definitely wasn’t “childish” in any way. It really is a site with good information, and it seems to have really helped me process some things.
I read through all the relevant portions of this site before bed the other night, and woke up feeling a little better. At night (as you sleep), your brain does work through things at a subconscious level.
Today, however, I am having a little bit of a rougher time. I had a really odd dream. We picked up my grandparents (both of them) and we were taking them to my parents’ house for a party. Tons of people were there: my whole family, all our friends, people I can’t remember now that I’m awake. Once we got to the house, no one could seem to get Grama out of the car. She was also shrinking and was really fragile. I finally crawled into the car and managed to squirm myself under her and then carefully shuffled out of the car and we got her into a wheelchair, but she was tiny and almost just skin and bones. It was really odd. Then I got called into the house. Suddenly, people were disappearing. I went back to find my family members and they were gone, then my friends were gone. I was panicked and suddenly I was all on my own. I was standing in my parents’ backyard (but of course, it was just a little off) surrounded by lots of giant, loud frogs and wondering why I was suddenly all alone. Then I woke up.
Obviously, that dream is full of potential symbolism. I can definitely see why it made me a little emotionally shakey. Overall, however, I’m definitely doing better than I was a few days ago. I have a better grasp on how I’m feeling now, and I can slowly start to tackle my emotions one small piece at a time.
Grief is complicated and this grief is really deep. It’s all consuming and words are fleeting. I will probably post a lot of things related to it for quite some time. There will be other posts too, but they don’t mean I’m suddenly “better” … Honestly, I doubt I’ll ever fully be “better” because I was incredibly close with Grama; I just know someday I won’t cry as easily or often and thinking of her will let me smile. Thank you for your loving patience in the meantime. (Saying “I’m sorry” and “I love you” like a broken record is perfectly acceptable because even I don’t know what I need to hear.)
I will attempt to start posting something on a more regular basis once again, since I’m now back home. I’ll be leaving again soon for the service, but that’ll only be for a weekend. Those posts may simply take the form of some Zazzle plugs for a bit though, or similar, as I process what’s happening internally.
It’s interesting how, in this time of intense emotional pain, the link between brain and body can be so tangible. I’m in intense emotional pain and it’s messing with my body. I’m getting random aches and pains that shouldn’t be happening, my IBS is acting up (which is definitely something that can be emotionally triggered), and even then I know my headache medication is working I’ve suddenly gotten a bad headache going again. Ugh. Maybe my brain knows I can kind if handle physical pain and is trying to “help” by making it more “manageable” or something? I don’t know. But the link is interesting to notice.
California is so much hotter than Colorado this time of year. It was 90°F today in Cali and I think it may have gotten to 70°F in Colorado (maybe, if that high). It’s way too hot. I came from winter to summer and passed spring somewhere along the way. I want spring back, this is definitely too hot.
It’s also crazy humid in Cali compared to Colorado. I feel sticky and that’s really bizarre… I always thought of it as dry at my parents’ house.
It’s really weird watching life go on around you when you and your family are impacted by something so personally traumatic. Like, on an intellectual level I really do understand that life goes on. Of course it does. Why would anyone else care that my grandmother passed away? That sounds awful. I mean, people are understanding and kind, but people die every day and if you didn’t know her why would you care? Of course life goes on. But it’s weird going online or walking around and hearing people laughing and posting jokes and enjoying life while I’m struggling with emotions and feeling numb and feeling depressed and reminiscing and loving my grandmother and thinking about life and death. It’s just a really weird thing. Here I am, feeling like the life I knew just kind of ended in a way, and watching life just march right on while wishing I could just stop it long enough to get everything handled and sorted out. I’ve been lucky in that I can pause as much as I can, and that Dan has been able to as well. I just wish I didn’t have things like homework to think about and that Dan didn’t need to worry about work and homework. But, somehow, life just keeps on going.