Looking on the “Insights” tab of my stats, it’s clear to see how little I’ve been posting. It’s also extremely clear when you look through my archive. I was looking through my archive the other day, because I’m planning out a blog overhaul (keep an eye out for changes!), and made a startling realization: my posting frequency dropped off significantly with the passing of my grandmother.
Grama and I were extremely close. She was, by far, my closest relative. Since then, I’ve been having an odd kind of identity crisis. I’ve also been struggling with a deep and different kind of depression than I’m used to… I’m used to depression, I’ve been struggling with it for most of my life, but this is somehow completely different. I didn’t even really realize that it was happening until I made the realization about my blog posting and started thinking about it.
You see, my soul feels kind of empty. It’s kind of complicated to explain. Instead of the normal and tangible void of depression, it’s just a very deep void… but, like, a hidden one? Like, imagine a giant canyon that you can’t see the bottom of, and it’s full of water. Now, put on some scuba gear and dive on in. You’re swimming around and you go down where the light isn’t that great and you see what just looks like a cave in the wall. You reach your hand out towards the entrance, and it feels like there is a different density of water, or maybe plastic wrap over it. You push on it. Then your hand goes through, and suddenly, you realize that on the other side is air, not more water! Like, how is this void completely surrounded by water? Yeah… it’s something like that I suppose. It looks and feels like it should be solid water, but when I really look at it and examine it I realize it’s completely empty. Hopefully, that makes sense to someone.
This odd depression has been very sneakily stealing my ambition. Since April, I haven’t really done a whole lot. I graduated, but that’s about it. I haven’t been blogging much, I haven’t done any sewing, I haven’t done any painting, I haven’t edited the maternity pictures I took for one of my best friends (and her baby is now two months old, oops), I haven’t done anything for my house, I haven’t been motivated to really work on my health stuff, I haven’t really been coloring much, I haven’t done much baking/cooking, I haven’t made new Zazzle stuff, and I haven’t listed any of the stuff for sale that I’m trying to get rid of that’s taking up room in my house. I haven’t even been able to call my grandfather because it’s too painful for me, which makes me feel like a horrible granddaughter. The weird thing is, I wasn’t realizing it was depression caused by the passing of my grandmother. I thought I was just getting overwhelmed by my declining health… until I looked at how long I’ve been like this.
I don’t even feel like I normally do when I’m depressed. Normally, I feel empty and overwhelmingly sad and hopeless. I don’t really feel like that at all. I mean, sometimes I do, but then it’s pretty obvious that it’s been triggered by my health. In general, I’ve been a lot more moody: snapping at Dan over almost nothing, crying a little easier, having more meltdowns, etc. I wasn’t completely sure what was causing it, but it didn’t feel like my depression. Now, I’m thinking it might be because I’d never gone this long without talking to my grandmother… it’s been six months. Usually, she would have called me after just two or three months of time rushing past me and been like, “Why have you been so busy?” 😛 But, I’ll never get another phone call like that, and I think it’s really killing me. Thanksgiving is going to have a LOT of tears involved, because that was always such a special day for my family (and her)… and this is the first one she won’t be attending.
Obviously, I’m struggling far worse with this than I thought I was. We just found out that Dan’s company is changing how they do mental health insurance starting January 2017 though, so I don’t want to start talk therapy now and have to switch therapists in two months. So, my blog posts may continue to be more sporadic than I would like until I can start therapy… because I don’t see me being able to get over this on my own.
I do really appreciate your understanding… It really does mean a lot to me as I work through this.
I have been posting regularly on Instagram, because it’s much faster than blogging so it’s easier for me to update almost daily. My Instagram is probably the easiest way to stay up to date on my life right now, since I’m struggling like this: @findinglifessilversun.
My blog’s Facebook page doesn’t get updated with personal information as often, but I do try to share articles and information regularly. The stuff I share on my Facebook page is at least relevant to my life in some way, usually. Since it’s usually reposts from other people, it does usually get updated a little more often than my blog right now (it doesn’t require a lot of introspective work at least), so it’s still worth checking out if you want to see more frequent postings from me: Facebook.com/FindingLifesSilverSun.
I can’t really talk to my family, they aren’t the kind of people I can talk to about this. I’m going to be talking to Dan about this later, because I do need to at least fill him in on what’s going on with me (if nothing else), and he’ll be supportive. I don’t have very many friends, and not really anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this.
Other than journaling and talk therapy with a professional, does anyone have any tips for working through this?
6 thoughts on “A Different and Deep Depression”
This post touched my heart. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my own grandmother eleven years ago and it still hurts very deeply. She was my best friend. I can identify with the not wanting to talk on the phone, it is exhausting and it makes me anxious too. I have never been big on phone conversations.
I think what has helped me the most with losing my own grandmother is remembering the good times and I keep her photograph on my night table. I still “talk” to her sometimes even though she is not “here.” It helps. It is a wonderful release just “telling” her what is going on in my life. I truly believe somehow she hears and is watching over me. Take care of yourself. I love sending personal letters and cards to my loved ones. Before I lost my Grandpa about 3 years ago, that is how I communicated with him most of the time.
This has gotten long. But, your post is so poignant and it helps to know that others understand. Hugs and take care of you. Valerie
Thank you so much for your heartfelt response ❤
I struggled with posting this, as it is so personal, but now I'm glad I did as it helped you too.
I don't know why I didn't think of letters… That would work fantastically right now. Thank you for the idea!
I have a few pictures of her up in the house, but they're still really painful to look at 😦 Hopefully, that will get better soon!
Thank you so much for your response. It helps so much knowing I'm not alone in this. ❤
It actually took me several years before I was able to place my grandmother’s photograph on my night table. (I should have mentioned that.) For a long time, I just cried every time I looked at it. In the meantime, I kept a little music box she had given me in its place. Do what is right for you and brings you the most comfort. Do what makes you smile. ❤
You are right, it is extremely painful. But after a while my heartache eased and I was left with all of the good that she left behind. Give yourself time and lots and lots of it. I post a lot of really personal stories on my blog so I understand the struggle to post that you talk about. It's hard when we expose the most delicate parts of our soul to the public. Know you have a friend in me. I will be thinking of you and wishing you healing and comfort. Blessings and thank you so much again for sharing. xo Valerie
I wish I knew what would make it easier. Time is all I got. But DO talk to your grandfather – he lost his life partner (which I can’t imagine.) Go visit him and cry together. It’s totally OK to do that. Just allowing yourself to fully miss her with one of the only people who can truly understand that has got to help at least a little.
Post of what has made it hard is that I can’t actually go visit 😦 we live 1000 miles apart. I get anxious talking on the phone, in general, and I would only ever talk to him for a few minutes before he’d ask if I wanted to talk to Grama and hand her the phone. I know I need to call, is just a matter of finding the inner strength to do so…
Thank you so much for your kind words though. They mean a lot ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I get it, I really do. Go if you can, when you can. Hugs.