A Letter to My Body

Trigger/Content Warning:
Body Image, Weight, Food, Gastrointestinal Disorder

Dear Body,

I try so hard to love you. It hasn’t always been this way, but I’ve been trying and trying and trying.

I’ve pushed so hard to discover what you need. Endless tests and needles, “take this” and “take that,” so many pills I should rattle, spending money I never wanted to spend. With all of the imaging I’ve had, we could build a scale replica of my insides for the world to see; my organs may even glow in the dark. Multiple surgeries to fix problems we were able to find, and many more to go I’m sure. Doctors throwing their hands up because they’ve run out of ideas. But I pushed on.

I thought we’d figured out a lot of what you needed. I was doing a good job following through with all you’d asked of me: weekly physical therapy for over three years with very few exceptions, eliminated food sensitivities that we could figure out, daily medications, acupuncture, talk therapy, rest…

And then, you screamed that something is wrong. Body, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’ve done. I don’t know how to fix it this time. Without a cause, I can’t find a solution. No food is safe. In just over 6 weeks, I’ve lost more than 15 pounds because you don’t want any food. You’re not properly absorbing nutrients from the food I do manage to eat. I know you don’t want to eat, but we have no choice, I’m sorry. Without food, we’ll die, we’ll waste away to nothing. All of the tests so far were normal. The doctors say nothing should be wrong.

Yet, here we are. Once again, curled up on the bathroom floor. Crying. Pain in my abdomen. Excessive saliva pooling in my mouth because you want to expel the minuscule contents of my stomach. This was a “safe food” today, but I guess nothing is anymore. As Dan put it: you’re “in ‘full reject’ mode.”

Please, Body, I surrender. I can’t do this anymore. The pain is exhausting. Not eating is exhausting. Not properly absorbing nutrients is exhausting. Barely being able to drink is exhausting. Please, Body, tell me what you need.

Body, I want to love you. I want to show you that love properly. But, I’m afraid I can’t anymore. I’m too tired to play an endless game of Sherlock Holmes. Please, Body, tell me how to love you.

To get caught up on what exactly I’m talking about here, see these Instagram posts:

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