Ya’ll, life has been a whirlwind. My last update here was when I was 32 weeks pregnant. I felt pretty good, but that changed pretty quickly.
To follow along with my life in real time (or closer to it), be sure you’re following me on Instagram @findinglifessilversun.
We went on our babymoon summer 2021. Both of us were fully vaccinated, and covid cases were extremely low, so we chose a not-super-popular destination. We went to the Black Hills in South Dakota, but not to Mount Rushmore. I was 35 weeks pregnant.
We live close enough that we made it a road trip, and we stopped at my mother-in-law’s house in Wyoming for a couple days on the way north. Packing up the day before and loading the car before we left, I wasn’t feeling great. I assumed it was just because I was massively pregnant and overdoing it. But I didn’t start feeling better at any point on the almost 5 hour drive to my MIL’s house. Actually, after about 4 hours, I started feeling pretty rotten.
I didn’t write a second trimester update, as I actually felt fantastic. My energy took a while to come back after the first trimester, and it never hit “pre pregnancy baseline,” but all the other symptoms of the first trimester faded away. I got to experience life as a “normal” person, with a normal body, having a normal pregnancy. Honestly, I haven’t felt that healthy in years!
At 23 weeks, we got to have our anatomy scan, which is an hour long ultrasound where they check out every part of baby to make sure everything is growing and forming as it should. Bee is totally perfect! During the anatomy scan, we noticed the umbilical cord was inserting in the side of the placenta instead of in the middle, so I was scheduled to come back at 32 weeks for a growth scan. Sometimes, when the cord inserts in the side, it can get kinked or compressed and inhibit baby’s growth, so we wanted to make sure Bee stayed on track.
After three years, three months, and eight days of waiting, hoping, and praying… WE GOT OUR FIRST POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST! Somehow, in all that time, we’d never gotten a positive. To learn more about what it took us to get to this point, check out the “Infertility” category on my blog, and read my previous post about our InvoCell/IUI cycle. While we were obviously quite happy, infertility robs you of the blissful ignorance many first time parents get to enjoy at the beginning of their pregnancy. Even if you haven’t ever personally experienced loss, you become acutely aware of when and how everything can go horribly wrong. Infertility is also extremely traumatic, and that trauma can cause you to subconsciously protect yourself by disconnecting you from the experience.
This post has taken me quite a while to write, because I was extremely dissociated from my pregnancy until very recently (I am 22 weeks pregnant while writing this). It felt like I was watching a very detailed vlog of someone else’s pregnancy, not that everything was happening to me. It’s a very weird thing to explain, but the people who have had the misfortune of dealing with infertility all have seemed to understand exactly what I’m talking about. It’s like a constant “when is this all going to go wrong” sensation, mixed with a lucid dream.