The Necessity of Becoming Numb

My menstrual cycle came on September 12th. I just sighed, and put in my menstrual cup. No underwear was ruined, even though it started while I was sleeping. Why? When the spotting started, I started wearing pads. I always spot for at least a few days before my period starts. “Now that’s not optimistic” may be what you’re thinking. And, you’re right.

Yes, I’ve heard of “implantation bleeding.” I’ve also read that many of us spot before our periods start, so that the only way to tell the difference is if you end up with no menstrual cycle and a positive pregnancy test after the bleeding. Trust me, I Googled the heck out of it when I first started trying to conceive.

The cycle that started on the 12th of September will be our 17th cycle since we started trying to conceive. Seventeen negatives. Seventeen negatives without any explanations. And I’m starting to go numb to the entire process. I need to.

tanja-heffner-259380-unsplash

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Feeling Sad During the Holidays

Please watch this video by Jessica, she’s amazing and this video really hit home. Warning: you may cry during the video!

Originally, I was going to do a different post, but this video just struck me.

Being sad at Christmas can really feel like you’re breaking some sort of unspoken rule. But, honestly, I’m pretty sure it’s relatively normal. Christmas (and this season in general) has such a focus on happiness and blessings and family, that if any of those areas aren’t “perfect” it stands out like a neon sign.

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Neuropsychology Testing and Diagnoses: ASD, Depression, and ADHD

At the end of April, I underwent 10 hours (over a three day period) of neuropsychological testing and interviewing. Obviously, to go through the data of 10 hours of testing takes a while, so I had to wait until June 5th to get my results. Only a very small part of the results were actually a surprise, and none of it was bad news.

autism-1417942_1920I was officially diagnosed on the autism spectrum! Yes, this is good news for me, and validates the “I think my brain works differently than the average population” feeling I’ve had my entire life. My official diagnosis is “autism spectrum disorder, level 1, without significant language or intellectual impairment” (because they like to make diagnosis names as long as possible). I’ll get more into the details of this diagnosis below.

I was also given a secondary diagnosis of “other specified depressive disorder,” which seems to essentially just be a moderate and persistent depression that doesn’t fit the diagnostic criteria for other depressive disorders; this wasn’t a surprise at all because I have had depression since I was in late elementary school (maybe about 10 years old), and have been treated off and on for years. Continue reading

A Different and Deep Depression

Looking on the “Insights” tab of my stats, it’s clear to see how little I’ve been posting. It’s also extremely clear when you look through my archive. I was looking through my archive the other day, because I’m planning out a blog overhaul (keep an eye out for changes!), and made a startling realization: my posting frequency dropped off significantly with the passing of my grandmother.

Grama and I were extremely close. She was, by far, my closest relative. Since then, I’ve been having an odd kind of identity crisis. I’ve also been struggling with a deep and different kind of depression than I’m used to… I’m used to depression, I’ve been struggling with it for most of my life, but this is somehow completely different. I didn’t even really realize that it was happening until I made the realization about my blog posting and started thinking about it.

wedding us with g&g square

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Emotional Roller Coaster, Old vs New

This weekend I’m having a rough time with my “new” body. I’m really missing being able to everything and not die. My fatigue is killing me and I feel physically beat up. I had a lot of fun, but I feel physically awful. Emotionally, the physical stuff is killing me. Ugh. This is just my life now, but I don’t like it.

Full Body Headache, Or So It Feels…

My entire body feels like it has a migraine. I’m in so much pain today. My back is STILL shot. I thought after Pilates yesterday, my back would feel better, but I can’t seem to get ahead of this. My fibro pain is almost always first prominent in my hips, so I’m pretty sure that is why I’m just stuck in this cycle. The daily migraine also hit REALLY early today, and I was struck down by about 11am, when I woke up at 10am. Ugh. I have been lying on the couch, with the room dark and the TV on VERY quiet just because my ADHD makes me really bored if I’m not doing anything at all. I finally had to call Dan at work because the waves of pain were too much, and then came to the realization I absolutely had to take Tramadol and Excedrin (an hour apart for my poor stomach). I had buttered noodles and Ensure for lunch, and my stomach is still killing me despite Zofran. No idea if it’s the medication or the migraine or the pain or a combination of everything or something completely different. I can barely think and I feel horrendous. I’m so sick of lying on the couch. I’m so sick of headaches.

pills and couch june 2016

Daily pills (AM top hand, PM bottom hand), and my usual place and position of lying on the couch.

Still Struggling With Pain

I spent today in one of the worst flares i think I’ve ever had. My pain put me into a daze; functioning was almost impossible. It was as if  I  was trying to listen to the radio inside a tunnel. Even my vision was screwed up. When I my first dose of Tramadol for the day, it didn’t seem to work at all. Well, it made me nauseous, but the pain was doing that too. I’ve had a horrid day. The second dose of Tramadol worked a bit, and the vision improved a little.

Hopefully, I can get a little sleep and my Pilates class tomorrow will help instead of hurt. I want to function again!

Back Pain, Still

This pain is trying to kill me.

I do not like taking so much medicine… but I can’t function. I can’t sleep. I can’t think.

I wish I knew what I did. Then again, I honestly don’t think I did anything.

I just want it to stop!!!!

(Back pain post 1, post 2.)

Empathy vs Sympathy by Brene Brown

This video is a very short and beautiful way of describing the difference between empathy and sympathy. Empathy is important and how we connect with people. Empathy is what everyone needs, what everyone wants. Learn empathy. Practice empathy. Foster connection. Foster love.

It’s Not All Racism and Sexism

Today rattled me pretty badly. The attitudes expressed were not attitudes I was surprised by, I knew they existed, but I have never heard them on this scale. However, they are probably something you will be surprised by because even my husband was shocked to hear about it.

microagression definitionI’m a woman, and thus I have experienced both subtle sexism and overt sexism my entire life. I have dealt with microaggression and overt aggression, one on one and group comments and actions against women, and other sexist things my entire life. It’s inherent in having boobs and a vagina. Sorry for being crass about it, but it’s true, sadly. Thankfully, things are starting to change. Slowly, but they are.

This was not sexism.

I’m white. Most people think that because I’m white, I do not understand racism. You would be wrong to think that. I grew up in an area where white was a minority, actually, especially once I hit high school. While I admit that I haven’t experienced racism as often as other races have, and I haven’t experienced institutionalized racism, I have definitely experienced it. Racism in the form of microagression and overt aggression, actually. I’ve been called derogatory names, purely to get a rise out of me (I knew it though so I didn’t cave), and I’ve been threatened. It’s gotten bad enough I’ve feared for my safety a few times.

This was not racism.

I have been the victim of atrocious bullying. I have been bullied in pretty much every way you can imagine. I was never given a black eye, but I have been bruised (I just usually got hit on the torso or kicked in the shins). sadI was bullied to the point where I planned out every detail of my suicide, but then something happened that made me change my mind at the last minute (and now I’m very glad it did). I was bullied on every level of bullying, from people walking past me in the hall and “cough*ugly*cough” to chanting to exclusion to purposefully hitting me with playground balls to explicitly telling me to die to taking my things from me to vandalizing my possessions to threatening my life. The bullying didn’t stop until after high school, and I’ve even run into a few instances since then.

This was not bullying.

Today was different.

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