Today rattled me pretty badly. The attitudes expressed were not attitudes I was surprised by, I knew they existed, but I have never heard them on this scale. However, they are probably something you will be surprised by because even my husband was shocked to hear about it.
I’m a woman, and thus I have experienced both subtle sexism and overt sexism my entire life. I have dealt with microaggression and overt aggression, one on one and group comments and actions against women, and other sexist things my entire life. It’s inherent in having boobs and a vagina. Sorry for being crass about it, but it’s true, sadly. Thankfully, things are starting to change. Slowly, but they are.
This was not sexism.
I’m white. Most people think that because I’m white, I do not understand racism. You would be wrong to think that. I grew up in an area where white was a minority, actually, especially once I hit high school. While I admit that I haven’t experienced racism as often as other races have, and I haven’t experienced institutionalized racism, I have definitely experienced it. Racism in the form of microagression and overt aggression, actually. I’ve been called derogatory names, purely to get a rise out of me (I knew it though so I didn’t cave), and I’ve been threatened. It’s gotten bad enough I’ve feared for my safety a few times.
This was not racism.
I have been the victim of atrocious bullying. I have been bullied in pretty much every way you can imagine. I was never given a black eye, but I have been bruised (I just usually got hit on the torso or kicked in the shins). I was bullied to the point where I planned out every detail of my suicide, but then something happened that made me change my mind at the last minute (and now I’m very glad it did). I was bullied on every level of bullying, from people walking past me in the hall and “cough*ugly*cough” to chanting to exclusion to purposefully hitting me with playground balls to explicitly telling me to die to taking my things from me to vandalizing my possessions to threatening my life. The bullying didn’t stop until after high school, and I’ve even run into a few instances since then.
This was not bullying.
Today was different.
How do you recover from a month of crazy emotional stress, travel stress, chronic illness, and allergy testing?
Zofran, Tramadol, two Benadryl, two Excedrin Extra Strength
I just got home from my allergy testing, and this is the first thing I did. Well, technically the second. This has just been the most ridiculous month, and definitely not in a good way. Grama passed on the 3rd, and now suddenly it’s the 19th. I do not know what exactly happened to the month of April, but I do know it has been a giant ball of stress of all kinds.
Here is why I’ve been a ball of stress:
Yes, it’s from PBS Kids. I did have an odd time accepting that I was getting information from a site designed for kids, which I told Dan. However, Dan read through parts of the site, and said that it definitely wasn’t “childish” in any way. It really is a site with good information, and it seems to have really helped me process some things.
I read through all the relevant portions of this site before bed the other night, and woke up feeling a little better. At night (as you sleep), your brain does work through things at a subconscious level.
Today, however, I am having a little bit of a rougher time. I had a really odd dream. We picked up my grandparents (both of them) and we were taking them to my parents’ house for a party. Tons of people were there: my whole family, all our friends, people I can’t remember now that I’m awake. Once we got to the house, no one could seem to get Grama out of the car. She was also shrinking and was really fragile. I finally crawled into the car and managed to squirm myself under her and then carefully shuffled out of the car and we got her into a wheelchair, but she was tiny and almost just skin and bones. It was really odd. Then I got called into the house. Suddenly, people were disappearing. I went back to find my family members and they were gone, then my friends were gone. I was panicked and suddenly I was all on my own. I was standing in my parents’ backyard (but of course, it was just a little off) surrounded by lots of giant, loud frogs and wondering why I was suddenly all alone. Then I woke up.
Obviously, that dream is full of potential symbolism. I can definitely see why it made me a little emotionally shakey. Overall, however, I’m definitely doing better than I was a few days ago. I have a better grasp on how I’m feeling now, and I can slowly start to tackle my emotions one small piece at a time.
It’s interesting how, in this time of intense emotional pain, the link between brain and body can be so tangible. I’m in intense emotional pain and it’s messing with my body. I’m getting random aches and pains that shouldn’t be happening, my IBS is acting up (which is definitely something that can be emotionally triggered), and even then I know my headache medication is working I’ve suddenly gotten a bad headache going again. Ugh. Maybe my brain knows I can kind if handle physical pain and is trying to “help” by making it more “manageable” or something? I don’t know. But the link is interesting to notice.
My house is burning out: both Dan and I are burning out, actually. We’re both pushed pretty far towards our limits and both our burn outs are feeding into each other. It’s not a good situation really, but luckily we have each other and the little strength we each have left is stronger together. Dan is really busy with school, and work, and the stuff around the house that I can’t do, and the home improvement stuff that I can’t do, and taking care of me. I’m busy with school, and the stuff around the house that I can do, and trying to get the stuff done for making money that I want to do, and trying to figure out how not to be in so much pain, and all my doc appointments, and dealing with side effects, and getting over a head cold, and trying to figure out what I can actually do around the house, and trying to make sure I have the spoons I need for the commitments in the coming days.
The burn out is really why I haven’t been on here. I’ve just been trying to survive right now. It’s been harder than it sounds. Hopefully, things will start to equal out soon.
Today is 35°F and snowing. The official first day of spring is this Sunday (the 20th). It doesn’t look very springy out.
I like the snow, I really do. However, my depression is not liking it right now. To pick myself up, I’ve been making some springy designs on Zazzle. Hopefully, they can pick you guys up too. (Daffodils are my favorite flower, so the first one is my favorite and I actually made 6 different products with that picture.)
Click here to see more designs
It’s very cloudy outside. Normally, I love cloudy and overcast weather… but the sudden cold that has accompanied it isn’t making me too happy.
Yesterday, I slept until after noon. The “Reformer for Recovery” class that I normally do on Wednesdays starts at 12:30. Obviously, I didn’t go to that. At about 4:30, however, I decided that the cold was messing with my hips too badly to skip Pilates entirely for a whole week (Joleen was booked solid for this coming Monday). I decided to do the beginning level “Core Training” class, which is a hybrid between mat and reformer.
I did alright during class. My arms, neck, and shoulders are definitely messed up though. Today, I’m paying for it. The class did help from the waist down, but it feels like my upper body has been run over by a large truck. My depression isn’t helping, and the pain isn’t helping my depression. Hopefully, I can have a good day for my birthday (Saturday the 19th). Please, Universe?
Over the years, I have surprised myself by being able to continue on past what I thought was my limit. It really is amazing. I don’t really know what the alternative is… I guess crawling into bed and never coming out again? Trust me, there are definitely days where that is all I want to do, but I have two lovely little kitties that require feeding and loving.
This neck/shoulder/back stuff, however, seems to be pushing it. I think I finally found a limit. A hard and fast limit.
I’ve been debating posting this because… well, because. This is going to be a very frank discussion on hitting limits and depression. I don’t like to discuss my depression, at least not the part of it that’s active. Depression tends to gain a lot of pity, and I hate pity. Depression is a part of who I am, it’s something I live with daily, it’s something that is always going to be a part of me. However, depression does not define me, and usually I have a pretty good grip on it. Usually.
I’ve had some really bizarre emotional things going on today. Physically, I’m not doing too well either, but that is due to the weather suddenly shifting again (I hope).
I guess we’ll start at the beginning.
Me skiing at Beaver Creek.
We wanted to go skiing today. My arm has been killing me, and last night it randomly got really bad, pushing me to tears several times. No idea why, because I’ve been doing what I’m supposed to (exercise wise). We set an alarm for 5:45am (to get up there by the time the lifts opened), but we also had the condition of “we’ll see how you feel” (meaning how I felt, Dan said it). At 5:45, Dan asks how I’m feeling, so I had to lay there and force myself awake long enough to do a self assessment. Then I moved and pain shot through my arm. Not good. I told Dan and we decided not to go skiing.
That, as it turns out, was a phenomenal decision…
There is a problem with chronic depression.
Well, there is more than one problem. There are several.
But you know what a big problem with it is?
It can honestly be 100% random.
One minute, you can be happy and smiling.
The next minute, you just want to curl up in a ball on the couch and disappear. Sometimes, you’ll even start crying.
Usually, it isn’t quite…