How do you recover from a month of crazy emotional stress, travel stress, chronic illness, and allergy testing?
Zofran, Tramadol, two Benadryl, two Excedrin Extra Strength
I just got home from my allergy testing, and this is the first thing I did. Well, technically the second. This has just been the most ridiculous month, and definitely not in a good way. Grama passed on the 3rd, and now suddenly it’s the 19th. I do not know what exactly happened to the month of April, but I do know it has been a giant ball of stress of all kinds.
Here is why I’ve been a ball of stress:
Grama’s service was today. It was a gorgeous day, and it was a pretty service. It was rough though. Very, very rough. I still don’t want to say goodbye, but I don’t have a choice. Goodbye, Grama.
The death of my grandmother has left a massive void in my life. There were many milestones I never imagined my grandmother missing. Some, I naturally realized she wouldn’t be around for, but others I just assumed she’d be there for.
Right now, I find myself struggling the most with my upcoming graduation. I always assumed Grama would be able to attend my college graduation, and I was already struggling with the fact that she wouldn’t be able to physically be in Colorado for it… but I figured I’d be able to call her that day and be all excited and be like “Oh my gosh I did it!” and then show her pictures and video and my diploma. At least I’d gotten a chance to tell her I’d officially applied and been accepted to graduate and the date, but that is it. She hadn’t even gotten to see a picture of the cap and gown.
Grief is complicated and this grief is really deep. It’s all consuming and words are fleeting. I will probably post a lot of things related to it for quite some time. There will be other posts too, but they don’t mean I’m suddenly “better” … Honestly, I doubt I’ll ever fully be “better” because I was incredibly close with Grama; I just know someday I won’t cry as easily or often and thinking of her will let me smile. Thank you for your loving patience in the meantime. (Saying “I’m sorry” and “I love you” like a broken record is perfectly acceptable because even I don’t know what I need to hear.)
I will attempt to start posting something on a more regular basis once again, since I’m now back home. I’ll be leaving again soon for the service, but that’ll only be for a weekend. Those posts may simply take the form of some Zazzle plugs for a bit though, or similar, as I process what’s happening internally.
It’s interesting how, in this time of intense emotional pain, the link between brain and body can be so tangible. I’m in intense emotional pain and it’s messing with my body. I’m getting random aches and pains that shouldn’t be happening, my IBS is acting up (which is definitely something that can be emotionally triggered), and even then I know my headache medication is working I’ve suddenly gotten a bad headache going again. Ugh. Maybe my brain knows I can kind if handle physical pain and is trying to “help” by making it more “manageable” or something? I don’t know. But the link is interesting to notice.