Grama’s service was today. It was a gorgeous day, and it was a pretty service. It was rough though. Very, very rough. I still don’t want to say goodbye, but I don’t have a choice. Goodbye, Grama.
The death of my grandmother has left a massive void in my life. There were many milestones I never imagined my grandmother missing. Some, I naturally realized she wouldn’t be around for, but others I just assumed she’d be there for.
Right now, I find myself struggling the most with my upcoming graduation. I always assumed Grama would be able to attend my college graduation, and I was already struggling with the fact that she wouldn’t be able to physically be in Colorado for it… but I figured I’d be able to call her that day and be all excited and be like “Oh my gosh I did it!” and then show her pictures and video and my diploma. At least I’d gotten a chance to tell her I’d officially applied and been accepted to graduate and the date, but that is it. She hadn’t even gotten to see a picture of the cap and gown.
Yes, it’s from PBS Kids. I did have an odd time accepting that I was getting information from a site designed for kids, which I told Dan. However, Dan read through parts of the site, and said that it definitely wasn’t “childish” in any way. It really is a site with good information, and it seems to have really helped me process some things.
I read through all the relevant portions of this site before bed the other night, and woke up feeling a little better. At night (as you sleep), your brain does work through things at a subconscious level.
Today, however, I am having a little bit of a rougher time. I had a really odd dream. We picked up my grandparents (both of them) and we were taking them to my parents’ house for a party. Tons of people were there: my whole family, all our friends, people I can’t remember now that I’m awake. Once we got to the house, no one could seem to get Grama out of the car. She was also shrinking and was really fragile. I finally crawled into the car and managed to squirm myself under her and then carefully shuffled out of the car and we got her into a wheelchair, but she was tiny and almost just skin and bones. It was really odd. Then I got called into the house. Suddenly, people were disappearing. I went back to find my family members and they were gone, then my friends were gone. I was panicked and suddenly I was all on my own. I was standing in my parents’ backyard (but of course, it was just a little off) surrounded by lots of giant, loud frogs and wondering why I was suddenly all alone. Then I woke up.
Obviously, that dream is full of potential symbolism. I can definitely see why it made me a little emotionally shakey. Overall, however, I’m definitely doing better than I was a few days ago. I have a better grasp on how I’m feeling now, and I can slowly start to tackle my emotions one small piece at a time.
Grief is complicated and this grief is really deep. It’s all consuming and words are fleeting. I will probably post a lot of things related to it for quite some time. There will be other posts too, but they don’t mean I’m suddenly “better” … Honestly, I doubt I’ll ever fully be “better” because I was incredibly close with Grama; I just know someday I won’t cry as easily or often and thinking of her will let me smile. Thank you for your loving patience in the meantime. (Saying “I’m sorry” and “I love you” like a broken record is perfectly acceptable because even I don’t know what I need to hear.)
I will attempt to start posting something on a more regular basis once again, since I’m now back home. I’ll be leaving again soon for the service, but that’ll only be for a weekend. Those posts may simply take the form of some Zazzle plugs for a bit though, or similar, as I process what’s happening internally.
It’s interesting how, in this time of intense emotional pain, the link between brain and body can be so tangible. I’m in intense emotional pain and it’s messing with my body. I’m getting random aches and pains that shouldn’t be happening, my IBS is acting up (which is definitely something that can be emotionally triggered), and even then I know my headache medication is working I’ve suddenly gotten a bad headache going again. Ugh. Maybe my brain knows I can kind if handle physical pain and is trying to “help” by making it more “manageable” or something? I don’t know. But the link is interesting to notice.