I see you. I promise that I do. I see you watching all the others laugh and play. I see how your eyes dart to and fro, like a rabbit in the middle of an open field. I see all of your muscles tense when other children get close. I see your heart breaking. I see your mind turning, replaying everything you’ve ever said to them. I see the nerves. I see the longing. I see you trying to get the courage to go get in line for the tetherball. I see you trying to determine if anyone might let you join. I see you struggling to speak, not knowing what to say. I see you trying to figure out which parts of you need to be hidden. I see you.
When talking about where and how I write, my answer is really two-fold: what I do now, and what I want to do sometimes in the near future.
Currently, I write on my couch. I either sit or lie on the end next to my plants, or I sit on the chaise. I have to be comfortable. Well, I prefer to be comfortable. Right now I spend so much time in doctors’ waiting rooms that I’ve gotten quite good at writing just about anywhere.
My Writing 101 assignment for Friday was to start my post with a quote. I collect quotes. While many of the quotes I collect are because they inspire me, they don’t inspire me in ways I can really write about. Many of them just stir up deep emotions that make me feel like I should do something. I do love quotes though; I love that they can tell me what I’m feeling when I don’t have the words, or that they help me figure out what I’m feeling, or that they can guide me towards how I want to be feeling. These are some of my favorite quotes that I’ve collected recently:
Oh man, do I miss hiking. Dan and I used to go hiking all the time. We both used to go hiking all the time long before we met each other.
For me, nature was always a kind of natural medicine. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life, but being out in nature… well, that was a different story. Hiking out into the trees, getting away from people, getting away from cars, getting away from noise, it always calmed my soul down. I love the smell of pine trees, especially in the cool air, and the sound they make when the wind blows through them. It really is amazing how fast it can work. I have gone hiking because I was angry, because I was sad, just because I felt the need to, and it is almost always immediate. The second I’m into nature, I start to feel a change. Everything in my body relaxes. My breathing slows and deepens. My brain actually shuts off and focuses for once. I feel relaxed and happy.
I decided to try a stream of conscious post, so this is just a REALLY LONG block of text. And some of the content might seem offensive, but it isn’t meant that way. It was quite the debate with myself over posting it, but it was very therapeutic for me to get it out.
Well, it was California. But now, Colorado has become home in a way.
My plan was never to stay in Colorado; I was going to get my bachelor’s degree from Colorado School of Mines (in 4-5 years), then I was going to go home and marry my boyfriend (BF for future mentions). Obviously, that didn’t happen. However, last time I mentioned this, I was told I was mistaken because sometime in about October 2008 I mentioned I was never going back to California. Truthfully, I may have said that, but it was a far more complicated and emotional mess by October. BF had broken up with me at the end of September, because all we’d been doing was arguing. I also said something (I don’t remember what) that was essentially a “we don’t seem to be working anymore” thing. Anyway, it sucked when he broke up with me. I burst into tears when it sunk in, and ran out of my friends’ house (actually, Dan’s house, I’d been rock climbing with them that day) down the street to a park. That massacred a huge part of my future plans. Continue reading →
The prompt from Writing 101 was to make a list of some sort. Originally, I was going to make a list of how my life had changed due to chronic illness… but then I realized how depressing that list was going to be. Living with chronic illness is challenging, at best, and can make it impossible to see the good in life. So, I decided my list needed to be happy. A major change is how much time I have to stay at home, and how trips and adventures have had to move to the back burner. I spend most of my time at home. Because I spend so much time at home, I decided to focus on what I love about my daily life. So here it is:
Well, I tried to answer it on The Story of the Silver Sun and What’s in a Name? pages. However, I also tried to keep those descriptions succinct so that people would actually read them. Let me see if I can elaborate. (I may repeat myself a little, as you may notice if you read those pages, so please be patient. I’m just going to tell the whole story.)