I just got back from my Monday appointment with Joleen. I finally decided, after the scary emotional swings this weekend, to fully disclose the full pain in my arm (I hadn’t really been hiding it consciously, I think I was mostly lying to myself). There were several episodes this weekend where the pain in my arm got so bad it pushed me to tears.
After talking with Joleen, and explaining everything, she seemed worried. I don’t like when my doctors get nervous. But, she is right. Normally, when my body randomly acts up, it just takes a few weeks to get it back into sync again. My arm pain came out of no where. I didn’t do anything, and it suddenly was killing me. We’ve been stretching my nerves, trying to release the tension, and rubbing out the knots for several weeks… and we haven’t made any progress.
Yesterday, I mentioned how having my last first day of school is a complete mixed bag of feelings. Well, I realized that because I was talking to Dan about it Monday night and ended up in a giant puddle of tears. It’s very complex.
First, I am THRILLED I’m going to be done! I have been in college since August 2008, with only one calendar year off, and in school since I was 5 (20 years now). While I do love to learn, I have grown to really hate school. At the same time, however, school is familiar and safe and it’s going to be really weird not going anymore. I’m not big on rigid schedules, and now my health isn’t either. School definitely requires a rigid schedule. I also can’t stand homework. I know, I know, nobody likes homework. But I loathe it. I have an almost impossible time sitting down to make myself do it. If there is ANYTHING (including cleaning) that I can do instead of homework, it’ll get done. Dan will just say “I need to study” then sit down and do it; while I say “I need to study” and then the house becomes spotless and then the photos on the computer get organized and then my closet is organized by color and then I’ll maybe do the studying I need. I cannot stand homework. Instead of a “graduation party” I’m going to be having a “no more homework” party. Seriously.
I see you. I promise that I do. I see you watching all the others laugh and play. I see how your eyes dart to and fro, like a rabbit in the middle of an open field. I see all of your muscles tense when other children get close. I see your heart breaking. I see your mind turning, replaying everything you’ve ever said to them. I see the nerves. I see the longing. I see you trying to get the courage to go get in line for the tetherball. I see you trying to determine if anyone might let you join. I see you struggling to speak, not knowing what to say. I see you trying to figure out which parts of you need to be hidden. I see you.