Tag Archives: depression

Sometimes Complaining Happens

Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest. I’m desperately hoping it’ll help.

For some reason, this flare just won’t go away. I feel as though I’m 60+ years old: limping after I get up, unable to bend, getting stuck when I do bend… It’s awful. I think it might be the weather and lack of exercise, but I’m miserable. I really hate admitting it, because I feel so whiny when I do and the people that love me hate knowing I’m crappy (hate in the same way you hate watching a loved one with the flu). Something just isn’t right in my body.

I did discover from Joleen that apparently some of my nerves are being compressed by my spine, causing compression all along them, causing my never fibers to shorten, causing me pain. My medial and ulnar nerves (two main ones in the arms) are extremely tight… She could only stretch then about 50% of the range of motion they should have. No idea why this happened.

My allergies are randomly going bonkers. I think my allergy shots are maxing out my system so that the exposure I’m getting at home just instantly puts me over the edge. They aren’t helping with the flares though.

I’m really wishing that we can figure out a way to get the tub to hold water for a bath… That’s the only thing I can think of that might help, well, that isn’t a pharmaceutical.

I’m going to be trying a new Pilates class next week. If I like it and it seems easy enough, I might add it into my routine so I’d be doing two a week. Maybe that’d help.

I’m writing this post at almost 2am because my eyes and body are so irritated I can’t get to sleep. I really hope the meditation can help, because I might go crazy if I don’t get sleep.

Good news though: progress is being made around the house this week! It’s awesome and I plan to update you soon on some of the changes!!!

Chronic Living – Buzzfeed

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Living With A Health Problem | Buzzfeed

Here’s a collection of good quotes about living as a young adult with chronic health issues.

The Memories of Old Friendships

Being at my parents’ home always makes these feelings stronger… Probably because I lived here when they were new feelings.

I am social media friends with a lot of people I used to call best friends. Two of which the pain of losing still stings pretty badly. One I’d been friends with for most of elementary school, then a classmate made up a lie (something to do with me calling to get directions to a party I wasn’t invited to, when I can STILL get to that party’s location without thinking about it), and suddenly it was gone. It didn’t help any that she moved so I never got a chance to try again. The second one had been friends with 1 and I for a long time too, and she stayed friends with 1 after the lie about me, then actually ended up moving to the same junior high and high school as 1. My parents weren’t very comfortable with me going to 2’s house (I wasn’t super comfortable around her family), so that just ended up dissolving.

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To The Child in the Corner

Dear Child in the Corner,

I see you. I promise that I do. I see you watching all the others laugh and play. I see how your eyes dart to and fro, like a rabbit in the middle of an open field. I see all of your muscles tense when other children get close. I see your heart breaking. I see your mind turning, replaying everything you’ve ever said to them. I see the nerves. I see the longing. I see you trying to get the courage to go get in line for the tetherball. I see you trying to determine if anyone might let you join. I see you struggling to speak, not knowing what to say. I see you trying to figure out which parts of you need to be hidden. I see you.

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Natural Therapy

Oh man, do I miss hiking. Dan and I used to go hiking all the time. We both used to go hiking all the time long before we met each other.

day 4 imageFor me, nature was always a kind of natural medicine. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life, but being out in nature… well, that was a different story. Hiking out into the trees, getting away from people, getting away from cars, getting away from noise, it always calmed my soul down. I love the smell of pine trees, especially in the cool air, and the sound they make when the wind blows through them. It really is amazing how fast it can work. I have gone hiking because I was angry, because I was sad, just because I felt the need to, and it is almost always immediate. The second I’m into nature, I start to feel a change. Everything in my body relaxes. My breathing slows and deepens. My brain actually shuts off and focuses for once. I feel relaxed and happy.

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One Word: Home

I decided to try a stream of conscious post, so this is just a REALLY LONG block of text. And some of the content might seem offensive, but it isn’t meant that way. It was quite the debate with myself over posting it, but it was very therapeutic for me to get it out.

Home.

Well, it was California. But now, Colorado has become home in a way.

My plan was never to stay in Colorado; I was going to get my bachelor’s degree from Colorado School of Mines (in 4-5 years), then I was going to go home and marry my boyfriend (BF for future mentions). Obviously, that didn’t happen. However, last time I mentioned this, I was told I was mistaken because sometime in about October 2008 I mentioned I was never going back to California. Truthfully, I may have said that, but it was a far more complicated and emotional mess by October. BF had broken up with me at the end of September, because all we’d been doing was arguing. I also said something (I don’t remember what) that was essentially a “we don’t seem to be working anymore” thing. Anyway, it sucked when he broke up with me. I burst into tears when it sunk in, and ran out of my friends’ house (actually, Dan’s house, I’d been rock climbing with them that day) down the street to a park. That massacred a huge part of my future plans. Continue reading →

Why Do I Write? A Crazily Long Answer

Why Do You Write?

Wow, that is quite the question, isn’t it?

Well, I tried to answer it on The Story of the Silver Sun and What’s in a Name? pages. However, I also tried to keep those descriptions succinct so that people would actually read them. Let me see if I can elaborate. (I may repeat myself a little, as you may notice if you read those pages, so please be patient. I’m just going to tell the whole story.)

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The Funk Slump

School has been requiring lots of attention. Life has been requiring lots of attention. And I have been feeling pretty awful.

Stubbed Toe

This guy is goofy and I’m in pain, so I guess it works even though I didn’t stub my toe…

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Don’t Worry, I’m Still Alive

I just haven’t been feeling up to doing this (blogging). Which I know means I should, but I just don’t want to. I’m three weeks post-op today! So I figured I’d mark the occasion with a small post filling you in on the last week.

My thoughts have been in a kind of dark funk lately… not things I want to write about though, which is part of why there haven’t been any posts. When my depression freaks out, it kind of takes over, and then I have a hard time doing anything at all.

Temper Tantrum

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Delayed Postings

So, I realized I need to stop apologizing for being late with my posts. There is nothing wrong with providing you guys an explanation, but I can’t keep apologizing. I just don’t need the guilt.

All of you with chronic illnesses understand that life is anything but predictable for us, and sometimes even breathing hurts. Those of you without Chronics understand that life just can get crazy sometimes.

Yesterday (8/31), I wrote up a post. Completely typed in a Word doc. I found photos I wanted to go with it. Then, my pain medication wore off and BAM!!!!! out for the count. So, now that post will get posted a little later today (9/1). Hopefully, my regular blogging schedule will return shortly!